UN80 Comes to XUNICEF News & Views - Budgets and Salaries Cut 20% from Zero; Subscription Rates Rise from Zero to Zero

The editorial team at XUNICEF News & Views has been closely following the UN80 reform proposals—staff cuts, shrinking budgets, agency mergers, and the bold new relocation strategy of "anywhere but New York or Geneva."

In response, the editorial board convened an emergency online meeting. “Sorry, team,” said the Chief Editor gravely. “In solidarity with our UN colleagues, we must implement drastic budget cuts, salary reductions, a freeze on promotions—and possibly even staff relocations.”

After a brisk debate lasting just under 90 seconds, the editorial team voted unanimously to slash the News & Views operating budget by 20%, taking it from zero… to well - below zero. The treasurer, dialing in from her kitchen, confirmed the figure. “I’ve done the math,” she said. “Zero minus 20% of zero is... let me check... still zero.”

Concerns were raised about salaries—already pegged at the highly competitive level of zero. “A 20% cut in salaries is harsh,” said one veteran editor. “But must we freeze promotions? I was hoping to become Assistant Secretary General (ASG) this year.” “Regrettably,” said the Chief, “we’re eliminating all ASG posts, as well as all D1, D2 posts.

 
Also, effective immediately, international travel is suspended.” “Oh well,” sighed one editor. “Nobody invited us anywhere anyway.” “Actually,” added another, “nobody’s invited us anywhere since we started publishing in 2016.”

“As for relocation,” asked someone, “can I move my laptop from the bedroom to the kitchen? The wifi’s better there.” “You’ll need to check with your spouse,” said the Chief. “But sure—you’ll be closer to the coffee.”

Trying to lift the mood, one editor offered a strategic vision: “With all these agency mergers, we may soon evolve from XUNICEF into XUNICEFUNDPWHOUNFPAUNAIDSHABITAT—or just… XUN.”

Another offered an additional bright spot: “With so many new ex-staffers, our subscriber base could double. At zero subscription fees, our revenue will soar from zero to… well, zero. But the subscriber numbers will put us in the big league of other seldom read UN publications.”

“Well, that's it then” concluded the Chief, “the situation is grim, but let’s recommit to continue producing News & Views with 20% fewer resources, 20% lower salaries, frozen promotions, and zero travel—but with 20% more good jokes.”  "...and better coffee", someone added.

And with that, the meeting adjourned—minutes to be circulated.