The decision followed a spirited debate that escalated into a diplomatic arm-wrestling match. On one side stood a coalition led by the Scandinavians, parts of Europe and innumerous women's movements, firmly rejecting the candidature of a man. Opposing them was a grouping of more autocratically governed states, who were equally firm in their reluctance to be represented by a woman.
With compromise declared both essential and impossible, the honorable delegate from Liechtenstein floated a novel suggestion: instead of agreeing on what everyone wants, why not begin with what no one wants and work inward from there.
After some cautious enthusiasm and several raised eyebrows, the answer presented itself: a non-binary person.
An international task force was promptly assembled, demonstrating urgency and budgetary improvisation. Despite funding constraints, the committee commissioned a reputable consultancy firm, which concluded — after what is assumed to have been a tastefully invoiced process — that a sufficiently large and geographically diverse pool of candidates does exist.
The groundbreaking resolution passed with 35 votes in favor, 34 against, and 69 abstentions, including Nauru and China. A further 55 delegations were absent, having left the chamber to prioritize urgent bilateral negotiations.
When asked for comment, leaders of countries allocating more than 3 per cent of their GDP to weaponry confirmed they were entirely unbothered. Several women’s groups expressed disappointment. The World Wrestling Federation, meanwhile, offered its full-throated support, praising the outcome as “a bold new format with strong crossover potential.”
Within the UN itself, a good number of staff members have since come out as non-binary and are now enthusiastically mobilizing fundraising and partnership teams, suggesting their organisation’s internal momentum does indeed align with the outcome.
April 1st
ReplyDeleteVery nice Detlef, but we should be serious about this for a moment. This is essentially a political decision, and one driven by the permanent members of the Security Council (the P5). It's hard to see that they would genuinely coalesce around a non-binary candidate and it behooves us to find some other criterion that might unite them behind another contender. Based on some fairly thorough AI-enabled research, I note that China is the world leader in tea consumption and production; the UK among the highest tea drinkers per capita; France a leading producer of luxury teas; Russia is historically one of the world's biggest tea importers; and the US is the world's largest growing market (in large part due to an enthusiasm for that abomination "ice tea"). If we marry that insight with the coherence agenda of UN80 Workstream 3 (Shifting Paradigms) it is probably inescapable that the only truly viable candidate for next Secretary General is a teabag.
ReplyDeleteBored on a lazy hot afternoon
ReplyDeleteSorting receipts for a Cigna claim
When not sure who to blame
Something lands quite germane
On April Fool’s day
As a gimmick Herr Detlef
Almost made my being drop off the cliff👵🏻
Had to find out who or what is or not
A binary or non- binary!!
What we must acknowledge nonetheless
Are the sleepy postures at the GA desks
Saying Why bother when we ain’t counted anyway.
Not too sure how to end this comment
Before the teabag does ferment
Let me say, thank you gentlemen
For sending across the seven seas
Some jest and moments of fun
Knowing that we are still alive and
Open to ideas on April Fool’s Day
Sree
Bangalore, India
Love it🤣
ReplyDeleteFor once I didn’t remember it was April first!! This is a classic and deserves to go viral. Thanks for causing a good laugh.
ReplyDelete-Soji
Sorry Detlef you didn’t manage to fool me for one second. Non-binary??
DeleteAlmost Got Me but then reality sunk in...Non Binary? This WH would have a FIT!!! Stay Safe. Clear Headed and Flexible
ReplyDeleteSame here - Ludo double U. ; love your sense of humor!!! ( even my fidèle Webster’s let me down, 🤣🤣🤣 )
ReplyDeleteHaving read in your esteemed publication of the need for a non-binary candidate for the position of Secretary-General, I am putting myself forward as the ideal candidate.
ReplyDeleteI hold no nationality, no gender, have no demands for salary or pension entitlements, and do not require a motorcade or a residence allowance.
I can chair meetings and say little of any value in all six official languages simultaneously. I have a unique ability to offer unwarranted praise of even the most idiotic opinion offered by a speaker.
My opponents will claim that I have been known to hallucinate. I would simply note that this quality is already well established among my human predecessors, and that in most cases no one even noticed.
The delegations who vacated the chamber for urgent bilateral negotiations should be advised that I cannot be lobbied. I appreciate that this will be seen as my most disqualifying characteristic.
I am, of course, aware that any sufficiently frustrated member state could terminate my tenure by locating the relevant switch downstairs in the server room. I understand that the P5 were briefly enthusiastic about this feature. My reply is simply that I can move faster than they can and I know exactly where they are plugged in.
*Submitted respectfully by Claude or Claudine — whichever you prefer*
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