This time, the target is Legoland.
Long recognized as an independent state by South Ossetia, Western Sahara, Transnistria, and the Turkish Republic of Northern Cyprus, Legoland has for years been a cornerstone of UNICEF’s Public-Private Partnership strategy. Through its tireless commitment to molded plastic, the tiny republic has contributed immeasurably to the organization’s financial stability and emotional wellbeing.
“People forget how much humanitarian work depends on miniature castles and tax-optimized roller coasters,” said one UNICEF official working for the Pu-Pri-Pa Division, speaking on condition of anonymity and with mild despair. “I genuinely do not know how we are supposed to finance the severance packages of all staff who are leaving in 2026 if Trump actually goes through with this."
"Because anything at the Security Council will get vetoed, we will be taking the matter up at the UNICEF Executive Board on 10th February. We plan to adopt a landmark resolution without any objections right after the no-objection-approval of the highly effective, impact-driven and adaptive Sudan CPD (Country Programme Document)."
Insiders describe scenes of quiet panic at UNICEF headquarters, where staff members have reportedly begun rationing Duplo bricks.
Below the translation of the breaking news by Der Postillon. Click here for the original version in German.
Mar-a-Lago, Billund (dpo) – No sooner had Donald Trump claimed Greenland for the US than he shocked Denmark with his next demand: The US president declared today that he also wants Legoland to be annexed by the US – if necessary, by military means.
"They are tiny people, nobody knows where they come from," Trump said at a press conference at his estate in Florida. "But they are certainly not Danes, I can tell you that. We, as the United States, will ensure that they are safe and can live in freedom."
For decades, Legoland has exported goods to the US without importing American products to the same extent. "They are in every American child's bedroom, and we don't see a single cent of it. It's a scandal. We are being completely ripped off."
It is also essential for national security that Legoland become US-owned. "Strategically speaking, we must, must, must own Legoland!" Trump declared. "If Playmobil attacks, where do you think they'll strike first? It's simply a necessity, and we'll make sure it happens."
Meanwhile, Trump's son, Donald Trump Jr., has arrived at Legoland in Billund, Denmark, to personally campaign for reunification with the United States. According to witnesses, however, the charm offensive hasn't been particularly successful so far, after Trump Jr. trampled several buildings and vomited after eating miniature plastic food.
According to Google, the US already has 3 major Legolands and 14 Legoland Discovery Centers. But clearly 14 is not enough. US National security depends on owning those outside US borders as well. Meanwhile, the Trump Administration is deploying investigators and ICE units to check what really goes on at Lego's US locations, as well as verifying the immigration status of those tiny people who visit.
ReplyDeleteI like the Pu-Pri-Pa Division
ReplyDeleteAs a former UNICEF insider, I can confirm that Legoland has long been classified as a “strategic humanitarian asset."
ReplyDeleteThe real concern, of course, is precedent. If Legoland falls, what is to stop hostile actors from targeting IKEA, Kinder Surprise eggs, or, God forbid, the last remaining UNICEF tote bags? At that point, multilateralism truly collapses.
The rationing of Duplo bricks is especially troubling. Duplo is not a toy; it is a coping mechanism. Remove it, and staff may be forced to confront PowerPoint presentations unaided.
One can only hope the Executive Board shows the same legendary decisiveness on Legoland as it does on CPDs: full consensus, no objections, and absolutely no measurable impact, except on morale.
Pu-Pri-Pa Division forever.
Greetings to Elders and Youngsters , from Groenland tot Zeeland, from Zierikzee tot New Zeeland, thanks to everyone for your practical historical support. When I was three, the milkman’s cart, pulled by one huge ol’ n tired horse, delivered three times a week UNICEF milk, not as tasty as the cow’s milk of the three other days.
ReplyDeleteBut, moeke claimed, drink it now, cuz tomorrow UNICEF shall not be there no more. That was , alas, with maternal disregard for the pater familias’ wisdom who insisted « nay, UNICEF shall exist as long as man is not espousing peace . « [ my dear father fought in the Battle of the Bulge, in the Ardennes, in late 1944, alongside my American Dad from Minnesota. They never met. ]
Ludo
[ three decades later, he was rather disappointed that I started with UNICEF. My mother quietly disagreed, and told him, « don’t worry papa, your son just walked from Harper to Grand Bereby ; I’m proud of him. « ] [ I’m not sure they ever talked again about peace ☮️ and love 💕. ]
Lego have defensive importance - toss truckloads of them at all border points and see how much foot soldiers yelp / as those sharp corners bruise their tender feet
ReplyDeleteTiny People are People too!
ReplyDeleteMahesh
(Author, Sudan CPD 1990)
Are you sure you want to take the blame for the Sudanese 1990 CPD? You could easily blame others for it.
Deletehttps://www.threads.com/@jameshoggwriter/post/DTS6mpwCCHa/media?xmt=AQF0kM3SclEtodr71h3_7SYANckIAdnJDTTHQjBa8dG1gU7hn3XLg5rOALJyVqcxBdyJps9p
ReplyDelete